


Magic Mushrooms

by killerweasel



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-04 12:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1779190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Major finds someone odd and makes a new friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magic Mushrooms

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know.

Title: Magic Mushrooms  
Fandom: _Turn/It's Always Sunny_  
Characters: Major Hewlett, Charlie Kelly  
Word Count: 904  
Rating: R  
A/N: AU after the events of _Turn's_ 'Against Thy Neighbor' and during _It's Always Sunny's_ 'The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell '  
Warnings: n/a  
A/N: [Inspired by this gif set](http://baldwinboy5ive.tumblr.com/post/82677107557/it-always-turns-sunny-in-philadelphia-yeah-i-was)  
Summary: The Major finds someone odd and makes a new friend.

 

 

The last thing Edmund Hewlett expected to find when he stepped inside of the former church was a man frantically scooping something from the horse stalls into sack. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but what do you think you're doing?"

The man dropped the sack he was holding. He walked over to where Edmund was standing. "Charles Kelly, my good sir." He held out a filthy hand. "And you are?"

With a resigned sigh, Hewlett shook Charles' hand. The moment he released the other man's fingers, he wiped his own clean on the handkerchief he pulled from his pocket. "Major Edmund Hewlett. Why are you lurking in my headquarters?"

"I'm not lurking." Charles looked over his shoulder at the horses. "Okay, maybe I was lurking a bit. I was going to put all your horse manure into a sack and take it back to the pub where I work sometimes."

Edmund frowned. "Why in the world would you do that?"

"Edmund? May I call you Edmund?" Charles smiled, showing a mouth full of rotten teeth.

"I'd rather you didn't." Edmund crossed his arms over his chest as he tried to ignore the odd smell coming from the man in front of him. It reminded Edmund of something pulled from a bog.

"Edmund, did you know that there are certain mushrooms you can eat which give you visions?" Charles rocked back and forth on his heels. "These mushrooms grow the best in manure and I've found they give better visions when the manure comes from horses."

"Visions?" Edmund's eyebrows shot up. "Charles, I am a man of law and order and you decide to speak to me of witchcraft?"

"It isn't witchcraft." Charles rolled his eyes before plucking a pouch from around his neck. "How can mushrooms be magical? It's a fungus that grows among us." He chuckled. "I'm a poet and I didn't even know it." He tugged the pouch open and then poured a couple shriveled, dried mushrooms onto his palm. "You should have one with me, but only if no one is going to come in here for at least three hours. And sometimes it lasts longer than that. You will see and hear things you've never witnessed before. It'll be fun!"

Edmund tried to remember the last time he'd had any sort of fun and came up blank. What Charles was speaking of, hearing and seeing unusual things, did sound interesting. Besides, how else would he be able to determine if the mushrooms were evil or not if he didn't at least try a little?

"Give me a moment." Edmund walked to the door and pulled it open. The two guards outside turned to look at him. "Make sure no one disturbs me for the next three hours unless it is an absolute emergency. I am conducting important business." He waited until the men nodded before closing the door.

Charles took one of the horse blankets from the wall and set it on the floor. "Make yourself comfortable. Whatever happens, I'll be right here."

"That's not entirely reassuring." Edmund sat down on the floor next to Charles. "How long does this take to work?"

"Not too long. You'll know when it happens." He handed Edmund the smaller of the two mushrooms. "Put it in your mouth, chew it up, and swallow. That's it."

"I know how to eat things, thank you." Edmund rolled his eyes as he put the mushroom in his mouth. It tasted rather horrible, so he chewed it as quickly as he could. A glance to his left revealed Charles happily chewing away on his own mushroom.

"And now we just sit back and wait." Charles tapped his fingers on his knee. "I'm actually surprised you did this. Most people would have just thrown me out on my ear."

"Yes, well, I'm not most people."

\---

Edmund knew when the mushroom began to work when he thought he heard his horse singing to him. He tilted his head, trying to understand the words of the song. "Charles? Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Charles had a rather blissful look on his face and was waving his hand back and forth. "Look at how many fingers I have. There must be a hundred of them."

"My horse is singing. He's my replacement horse. Someone poisoned my old one." Edmund bit his lip. "I bet he would have had a wonderful singing voice."

"That's horrible." Charles patted Edmund's knee with the hand he wasn't staring at. "I have a big stick and I bash rats with it. Don't ever buy fur hats from Franklin Reynolds. They aren't made out of the animals he says they are. But you didn't hear that from me."

"The colors, Charles. The colors are not what they're supposed to be. Blue is purple. Red wants to be green. And why is yellow just hopping around?" Edmund blinked a few times. "Is this what usually happens?"

Charles nodded. "Isn't it great?"

"It is certainly something."

\---

Four hours later, when Colonel Cricket came to check up on the Major, he found the man singing 'Yankee Doodle' at the top of his lungs with a shabbily-dressed stranger. The two of them never even noticed they were no longer alone. Shaking his head, Colonel Cricket backed out of the room slowly and decided it was better if he said he hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary.


End file.
